How do you release yourself from a marriage once it’s over but the wreckage remains? I was recently privileged to hear the story of a woman – I’ll call her Linda – who designed three rituals of release over the course of several years of grief and healing.
On what would have been the 10th anniversary of her marriage, about six months after her husband had left her, Linda invited three friends to a nearby jewelry store where she melted down her wedding ring.
Listening to Shaina Noll’s “How Could Anyone” (“…ever tell you/ you were anything less than beautiful…”), they lit a candle. Linda used a jewelry torch to transform her wedding ring back into its elemental state: a pebble of pure gold. She then shared her story with her friends.
On what would have been the 10th anniversary of her marriage, about six months after her husband had left her, Linda invited three friends to a nearby jewelry store where she melted down her wedding ring.
Listening to Shaina Noll’s “How Could Anyone” (“…ever tell you/ you were anything less than beautiful…”), they lit a candle. Linda used a jewelry torch to transform her wedding ring back into its elemental state: a pebble of pure gold. She then shared her story with her friends.
Ten years ago we exchanged these rings as we took our marriage vows. The rings symbolized at that time our love and commitment to one another. We had picked them out together and they reflected the joining of our lives, our union of marriage, and our intentions to love, cherish and be faithful to one another. That was 10 years ago and our lives have moved in different directions, taking different paths…. At this juncture my wedding rings do not hold for me the meaning they did 10 years ago. As I partake in this ritual of melting the gold of my rings, I further let go of the relationship for which they symbolized my commitment. I step fully into this new chapter of my life with greater self-understanding and a solid commitment to remain true to myself in my future connections, relationships and lifestyle. Additionally, I take with me fond memories, cherished times and lessons learned from my marriage. To symbolize this I will carry forward the two small diamonds from my rings to be integrated into my new purple sapphire ring – colors and stones of healing and strength – bringing what was good in my marriage forward into my future life.
new ring, gold pebble from wedding ring The ritual concluded as Linda slipped onto her finger the new ring she had designed, incorporating two small diamond chips from her engagement ring. Then they broke open a bottle of champagne.
Some months later, Linda and her ex-husband met in their therapist’s office to exchange words of release and forgiveness. They used the unity candle from their marriage to light two “new beginnings” candles, then extinguished the marriage candle together. Linda's vision was that this would “symbolize the taking of the positives, the good memories, and achievements from our marriage as enlightenment and strength as we now pursue different paths.”
These rituals were no magic wand. They didn’t erase the pain, but they did provide a sense of agency and connection during a life trauma that can be accompanied by deep feelings of helplessness and isolation. They marked a moment in time, providing witness to what was true in that moment, summoning the strength and clarity of intention needed for the next phase of the healing journey.
Looking back nearly two years later, Linda says of the joint ritual in the therapist’s office, “I was perhaps kinder and gentler as I sought some kind of ongoing hopeful connection; in later reflections I realized I had deeper grief and anger to work through.”
As she continued to work through her grief and anger, she designed a final ritual, a homecoming into the circle of women friends that had been strained by the dynamics of the divorce. They gathered for a slumber party, putting to rest another step along Linda's path to embracing her beautiful wholeness.
Some months later, Linda and her ex-husband met in their therapist’s office to exchange words of release and forgiveness. They used the unity candle from their marriage to light two “new beginnings” candles, then extinguished the marriage candle together. Linda's vision was that this would “symbolize the taking of the positives, the good memories, and achievements from our marriage as enlightenment and strength as we now pursue different paths.”
These rituals were no magic wand. They didn’t erase the pain, but they did provide a sense of agency and connection during a life trauma that can be accompanied by deep feelings of helplessness and isolation. They marked a moment in time, providing witness to what was true in that moment, summoning the strength and clarity of intention needed for the next phase of the healing journey.
Looking back nearly two years later, Linda says of the joint ritual in the therapist’s office, “I was perhaps kinder and gentler as I sought some kind of ongoing hopeful connection; in later reflections I realized I had deeper grief and anger to work through.”
As she continued to work through her grief and anger, she designed a final ritual, a homecoming into the circle of women friends that had been strained by the dynamics of the divorce. They gathered for a slumber party, putting to rest another step along Linda's path to embracing her beautiful wholeness.
"How could anyone ever tell you?
You were anything less than beautiful...
How could anyone ever tell you?
You were less than whole...
How could anyone fail to notice?
That your loving is a miracle...
How deeply you're connected to my soul..."
~ Shaina Noll’s “How Could Anyone”
You were anything less than beautiful...
How could anyone ever tell you?
You were less than whole...
How could anyone fail to notice?
That your loving is a miracle...
How deeply you're connected to my soul..."
~ Shaina Noll’s “How Could Anyone”
* * *
My deep thanks to "Linda" for sharing her story of courage and creativity. Please let me know if you have a story to share.
My deep thanks to "Linda" for sharing her story of courage and creativity. Please let me know if you have a story to share.
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