My partner Amber and I have been together for 17 years. Nine years ago, on International Women's Day, we were legally married by the state of Oregon. A year later we received a refund of our marriage license fee along with notice that our marriage was now NULL and VOID. 

Fortunately, we had already held what we considered our "real wedding" in 2001. Children of divorce who came of age during the flowering of feminism, neither of us had grown up with romanticized notions of a walk down the aisle. We opted out of many of the traditional trappings. No one gave anyone away. Instead of an officiant we had two friends emcee. A dessert potluck replaced the wedding cake. Our sound track was rock & roll (we entered to the Beatles' Magical Mystery Tour). 

In fact, we didn't even call it a wedding. We invited 100 friends and relations to a relationship celebration: "a celebration of our love for each other, how well we work as a team, and the larger community that enriches our lives."  But "relationship celebration" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue; it was our straight friends who kept insisting, "come on, it's your Wedding." 

Love & Commitment
At its heart, our ceremony - outdoors above the Columbia River Gorge, poised midway between two majestic volcanic peaks - couldn't have been more traditional. It was about us pledging our love and commitment in front of our people, asking for their blessings and sharing our joy. I had broached the possibility of a commitment ceremony with Amber fairly early in our courtship. I wasn't exactly asking her to marry me, but I did wonder how she felt about the idea of making a public commitment. Already in my mid-30s, my previous relationships had followed the pattern of attraction, spending all our time together, since we're spending all our time together we might as well move in together... with no real decision points around what we were committing to, no clear threshold of intention crossed or witnessed. 

In her typical straightforward manner, Amber said, "I don't know. Maybe after five years." As she likes to tell it, five years and a day later, I circled back to call the question. By then we had survived a major relationship crisis, lived together in a 19-foot motor home for a year and a half, and travelled together towards my father's final days. 

We decided to formalize and celebrate our commitment on our fifth anniversary, September 22, 2001. Eleven days before my family was due to fly out from Logan, Newark, and Dulles airports, the Twin Towers fell. Everyone urged us to proceed with our plans - we all needed to be together more than ever. Eleven days after the ceremony, my father died. I crossed that threshold wrapped in the sturdy blanket our community had constructed with us, woven of our willingness to be there for one another.

We were lucky that our families and friends blessed our union without hesitation. For many gay and lesbian couples, that approval remains withheld as long as legislatures and electorates deem us separate and unequal. And for others, even more than us, being denied access to the safety net protections provided by legally recognized marriages results in real hardships, especially for those with children, with jobs in the military or federal government, and in states without anti-discrimination laws.

Summer of Love
Thankfully, since the legal version of our marriage was declared null and void, the world has changed fast. Majorities nationwide are now giving the thumbs up to loving, committed couples, even if we happen to be of the same sex. In the past few weeks Minnesota, Delaware, and Rhode Island have brought the number of states with the freedom to marry to 12 (it's a baker's dozen when you add the District of Columbia). 

Now Basic Rights Oregon is launching Oregon United for Marriage, a broad coalition that will make Oregon the first state in the country to repeal a one-man-one-woman constitutional amendment. This weekend they kick off the Summer of Love. It's a grassroots movement preparing to gather the signatures that will put freedom to marry on the ballot. At its core, the movement is about sharing the stories of love and commitment - gay and straight - that will open hearts and change minds. 

As a Celebrant and wedding officiant, it's a joy to work with couples to create personal, meaningful ceremonies that celebrate their commitment. I hope you'll join me in working for the day - sooner, not later - that I can use the words "by the power vested in me by the state of Oregon" at the weddings of all couples. 

When Trevor and Kristel began planning their wedding ceremony, they knew they wanted to weave in their family, but they weren’t sure how.

Kristel told me, “I want our guests to know that the love Trevor and I share is not only is being freely given to each other, but that we love and value each of them, too.” Trevor wanted the ceremony to reflect his belief that “we are all connected with one another.”

In a fun twist on “something old, something new, something borrowed” (skip the blue), we took an idea I borrowed and created a “family blessings” ritual that was uniquely their own.

I had just read a post on-line from a colleague that started with, “If I were to be called to Celebrant heaven today, I would go with such gratitude and joy.” (We Celebrants tend to LOVE our work!) She went on to describe a wedding ceremony that included a piece I thought might be perfect for Kristel and Trevor.

In the ritual, twelve ribbons represent particular gifts that are essential to a happy marriage. Kristel did a little looking around and found a list of twelve attributes that represented the pillars that would form the foundation of their marriage. They choose satin ribbons that matched Kristel’s dress and distributed them, along with the “pillar” words, to twelve of their beloved family and friends. With a fine-point marker before the ceremony, each person inscribed their ribbon with a blessing, a reflection, some words of wisdom, inspired by their assigned word.

During the ceremony, as Trevor and Kristel stood before their guests anticipating the vows they would pledge to each other, I asked each person who had prepared a ribbon to come up, in turn, to present their ribbon and read their wishes to the couple.

One at a time, the wisdom unfurled: Accept. Appreciate. Acknowledge. Affirm. Compassion. Communication. Listen. Presence. Respect. Support. Understanding. Validate.

As each presented their ribbon, I tied it onto the end of the prior ribbon. The last ribbon was tied to the first creating a beautiful circle of wishes.

With those words, Trevor and Kristel lifted the circle of ribbons over their heads, laying it on the floor around them. From within that circle they made their promises to each other, and to Kristel’s son, who joined them within the ring.

Now as they celebrate their first six months of married life, and reflect on the difficult work that follows the first blush of new love, Trevor and Kristel are finding ways to stay connected to the words of wisdom shared on that day. Last month Kristel incorporated miniature versions of the ribbons into her Valentine to Trevor. And Trevor says, “We need to hang those ribbons up somewhere so we can see them every day!”

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Read more from Kristel about the wedding ceremony I created for her and Trevor. And tell me about the rituals you've created to remind you of what's important in your life.

When Stephanie imagined her wedding to Jay, she knew she wanted to include her father Ron, who passed away when she was 23.

“I don’t know the exact words,” she told me, “but I feel that he would have loved Jay and would be very happy for me right now.  I want to convey that.” 

As we explored the possibilities, Stephanie shared with me a precious keepsake from her father: a letter he wrote to her while she was in college, a letter he spent most of a workday crafting. With Stephanie's encouragement, I wove excerpts of her father’s letter into their wedding ceremony.

As they stood before their family and friends, a framed photo of Stephanie’s parents sat nearby on a small table with a vase of flowers. After acknowledging those unable to attend the joyous occasion in person, I introduced her father’s letter.

I quoted her dad's words to Stephanie: “I eagerly await to see the person you will become," he wrote. "Whatever you do and wherever you go, I know that you will take the high road. I know you will settle for nothing less. I know that you have a fire that burns within you, something more than the idealistic feelings of youth. You have a fire that drives you to a higher standard of belief and desire. Never, never, never surrender yourself to the lower road. Accept your dreams and then nurture them.”

Turning from the letter to the betrothed couple and their witnesses, I continued: “Today, Stephanie and Jay stand here in fulfillment of Ron’s vision for his daughter, embracing the high road of devotion, committed to nurturing their dreams together.

“In Ron’s letter, he said, ‘I want to tell you how tremendously proud of you I am, Stephanie. You are the best of the best. I am the president of the Stephanie fan club.’"

I concluded this section: “Today, accepting the cosmic baton pass from Ron, Jay stands here, the next president of the Stephanie fan club. May you both continue to feel Ron’s love as a blessing upon you.”

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My deep thanks to Stephanie and Jay for allowing me to share the beautiful way they honored the memory of Stephanie’s dad in their wedding.  How have you acknowledged loss during moments of joy, or brought the light of joy into times of sorrow?