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A Love Letter to the Place We Live

10/31/2015

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Picturewords most frequently used to describe Death:OK
We weren't too ambitious - we just wanted "to help build a community where we reconnect to life and death and to each other, reducing the silence, fear, and isolation that too often surround the topic of death."

That was the mission of Death:OK, Let's Talk About It, a 10 hour day of "inspiration, information, and connection" held October 17, 2015 in Portland.

It was a stupendous effort (from the Latin stupendus, to be wondered at): 500 seats, sold out nearly two months in advance; 170 on the waiting list before we closed it down; more than 60 presenters and 70 volunteers; two years of planning meetings among our all-volunteer crew; an unpaid part-time job for a few of us for a good many months.

Testimonials from the day are deeply touching:

The people I met and the workshops I attended were extraordinary and full of heart wisdom. To break the silence and give voice to death makes all of our lives richer and more vibrant. May you all know you gave a wonderful gift to our community, and to me personally. 

I feel the world was changed by this event and the bringing together of like-minded individuals in kindness and love. 

Perfection wasn't necessary, heart and flow were. You were guided by all your ancestors plus your brilliant minds and caring hearts made for a magical experience. 

My gratitude to all of you for your vision, hard work, magnificent planning and most of all your open hearts. A remarkable project. The open heart part is what made it so remarkable to me. The whole day had such a feeling of calm spaciousness, genuine warmth, along with just plain wonderful energy. Only could have come from your open hearts and grace all along the way.

​I feel deep gratitude and a sense of having sat with 'my people' in communion this past weekend. I was roused and rattled, touched and inspired...and mostly just plain excited and happy to be part of this most amazing day. 

We created a town square for a day, a place of connection. Ceremonial elements set it apart from ordinary time and space. Ancestors were praised; grief, witnessed and held.

At the same time, the day reflected back to us all that is so deeply broken in the dominant culture of North America, as much as it sought an alternative. Keynoter Stephen Jenkinson alerted us to "Coping, hoping, and - when all else fails - doping," the three-headed hydra that slays any possibility of a sane relationship with dying, grief, and death. He reminds us that if conversation about death is like every other comfort-seeking measure in North America, we're at risk of turning a wolf into a poodle so it will sit on our laps. He invites us to consider that death will not be domesticated, that the new fifth column of "death hipness" could well be the new boss, same as the old boss, as The Who warned in "Won't Get Fooled Again".

My jubilation over the success of the day sits side-by-side with sobriety, humility, and deep grief in the face of our pervasive illiteracy when it comes to dying and death. Coping, hoping, and doping have worn a deep groove in the years of my life - it's hard to know what else there is.

Jenkinson offered no easy answers. But he did provide a glimpse of what else there might be, if not coping, hoping, and doping.

It's love.

​For all that Jenkinson's unwelcome truths may have seemed an indictment of our efforts, he saw and named our work for what it was at its heart: a love letter to the place we live. A way of saying: We care. We're troubled by how it is. We want better for ourselves, for those who will follow, for those who came before us. For the love of all that is in the world, seen and unseen, we have work to do.
Gratitude for photos gleaned from Facebook to Nora Ryan, Traci Emerson, Rich Matkins. Cranes folded by John Worley Symons before his death, beneath a memorial quilt by Lori Mason. Opening ceremony set featured donated art by Lillian Pitt; Crow Takes Leave of the Family. Stephen Jenkinson provided our keynote followed by a 75 minute talk. The masses tolerated any minor logistical mayhem with great grace. Oregon's former Governor Barbara Roberts offered opening remarks. Favorite volunteer gig: the golf cart shuttle. The Art of Burial, one of 60 workshops. Our Ancestors Altar, tended by Stella Maris in honor of her mother. And the grand finale, delivered from on high at the closing of our day.
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Doing Death Your Own Way

10/31/2015

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On October 17th, the day my Dad would have turned 79, 500 folks came together at Death:OK (Let's Talk About It) - a 10-hour day of programming that I and a hard core corps of volunteers spent two years coaxing into being. There's much to say about this grand event, but to start: some of my very favorite moments were spent in workshops presented by folks I'd recruited.

Kim and Carter, both clients, told their stories in Planning Your Own Memorial: Stories from the Frontlines. Lynda, a client, and Phyllis, and old college friend, shared theirs in Doing It Your Way: Personal Stories of Home Funeral, Green Burial & Remembrance. 

I'd pitched Oregon Public Broadcasting on the incredible content we'd assembled for the event, and they invited me and Lynda into the studio to talk about home funerals and green burial, with Phyllis joining us on tape. Click below for a listen.

See also:
  • Phyllis's story of how she gave her husband Mark the green burial he wanted: Somewhere There's Music, How Sweet the Tune
  • A short film about the home funeral Lynda Martin-McCormick and her family created for her husband David: Death DIY
  • An account of how Kim Wieneke called on her friends to help her plan her own memorial service: A Little Help From Her Friends
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Click on the image to listen to the radio broadcast
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Talking About Dying

10/25/2015

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PictureThe Times photo by Jaime Valdez
The City Council Chambers of a small town in Oregon - Sherwood, to be exact - it's one of the least likely places I've found myself talking about death. But the Sherwood Library shares the public service building with other local government functions, so that's where we gathered: a librarian, a handful of local residents, and a reporter and photographer from the regional suburban newspaper.

I'm one of a team of facilitators recruited by Oregon Humanities for their new statewide conversation program, called "Talking About Dying." My first gig drew more than 30 folks for a wide-ranging discussion at Multnomah County's historic Central Library. I didn't know what to expect at the smaller town venue. When it looked like the two members of the media who'd shown up might be a good third of those in the room, I encouraged them to participate (personal engagement in the discussion is a request I've made of every reporter wanting to cover Death Cafe). 

They declined. Nevertheless, the coverage they provided advanced the idea with others. My facilitation colleague Jenny Sasser led the session that followed this publication of this article - over 30 people showed up to talk about dying. I look forward to meeting folks in Tigard on November 17th and in Canby on January 12th.

Check out the fantastic resource list put together by Oregon Humanities with facilitators' input!

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It's a part of life that many of us don't like to think about, much less talk about.

But Oregon Humanities, formerly known as the Oregon Council for the Humanities, is challenging the stigma around death and dying by encouraging people to come together and discuss it.

“Talking About Dying” is a series of 90-minute conversations being held at libraries throughout the state. 
One of them will be held at Cedar Mill Community Library on Tuesday evening.

Holly Pruett, a celebrant who is one of Oregon Humanities' event facilitators, acknowledged the difficulty of the subject as she began a recent Talking About Dying discussion at the Sherwood Public Library last week.

“It's not everybody who wants to walk into a room, saying, 'Yeah. Let's talk about dying,'” Pruett said.

The purpose of the conversations is not to figure out “the right way to die” or come to a consensus about death, what it means or how it should be approached, Pruett cautioned.

“Really, (Oregon Humanities') mission is to bring Oregonians together across differences to consider challenging questions, such as how we die,” she said.

The conversation at Sherwood drew a small group of about half a dozen people. At one point, Pruett noted that if there were a larger attendance, she would have encouraged people to pair off to share their thoughts and experiences around death and dying. Instead, they spoke directly to Pruett and the rest of the group.

One man talked about how living through — and surviving — stomach cancer had changed the way he thinks about dying.

“I had a good long time to think about something that really hadn't been part of my life before,” he said.

Another woman said she had just turned 70 earlier this year. As she ages and as she interacts with people at a hospice where she volunteers, she said she finds herself thinking more about how much time she has left, what arrangements she needs to make and what her experience of dying will be like.

“I guess I'd like to go through it with grace,” she said. “Maybe accepting the reality of a horrible diagnosis … accepting it, not fighting it.”

And another woman talked about a friend who is terminally ill; he has made it his goal as he dies to teach and encourage his loved ones not to be afraid of the end.

“He said that it has been really one of the great experiences of his life, because of all of these things he's learning, and the outpouring of love,” she said. “But it's hard for everybody else, of course.”

Pruett suggested that the awareness of death can enhance the appreciation of life.

“In that regard, death is really the great underwriter of life,” she said. “Death can make our lives richer. It can also be devastating in other regards, too.”

Participants in the Sherwood discussion described the experience of Talking About Dying as “interesting,” “stimulating,” “powerful” and “thought-provoking.”

“I guess the thing that has struck me tonight is that we're in a room with a bunch of people that I feel like have kind of a healthy attitude about death and dying, but it's a little distressing how many people you run into out in the world that are just so afraid of it, so unwilling to face it or do anything to prepare for it,” said one. “And it's hard to know what to say, or if you should say anything.”

For those who want to say something, or hear others express their thoughts about death and dying, the upcoming conversation at Cedar Mill Library will be held at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday.

The discussion will be facilitated by Jenny Sasser, director of the gerontology program at Marylhurst University.
"This is a reflection of Oregon Humanities' mission, which is to both facilitate opportunities across the state and to have conversations … about big questions," Sasser explained. "I can't think of a bigger question than how we face our own and others' end.”

The discussion is geared toward adults.

Although Sasser's background is in gerontology, which is the study of aging, she noted, "Aging and dying are not the same thing." Sasser added, "The questions of mortality are questions you might want to be asking — in different ways, but nonetheless asking — throughout our life course.”
​
Other opportunities to participate in Talking About Dying in the greater Portland area will be coming up on Oct. 15 in Sandy, Oct. 22 in Oregon City, Nov. 5 in St. Helens and Nov. 17 in Tigard. There will also be two events in January in Canby and Beaverton.
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