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Marking Milestones: Ritual & Ceremony in Modern Life

7/31/2016

How do we make meaning out of the big milestones in our personal and community life? That's the question at the heart of a new community discussion I'm leading in partnership with Oregon Humanities.

The premise: For the many people who do not have strong ties to religious or other cultural traditions, major life events such as birth, aging, relationship changes, illness, death, and community crises are increasingly marked by no ritual at all.

Last week I had the opportunity to pilot the conversation with 18 generous colleagues, clients, and friends. It left me filled with gratitude and inspiration, tinged with the sorrow that comes every time we recognize all that's missing in our modern urban lives.

As folks arrived, I invited them to select an item from a box stuffed with flotsam and jetsam that's washed up in my life - something that reminded them of a ritual or tradition from their family or cultural heritage.

We opened with a round of largely wordless opportunities to reflect and communicate how milestones were marked in our lives, standing in response to questions such as:

Whose entrance into the world or family was marked with any kind of family or community ritual, such as baptism or a naming or adoption ceremony?
Who was raised as a child, routinely going to funerals?
Who has felt the need for a ritual or ceremony in response to a community event, where none was available?

In pairs and in the larger group, we discussed whether we related to rituals as "cairns marking the path behind us and ahead of us," as described by Robert Fulghum, who believes, "Without them we lose our way.” (From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Lives)' Does ritual function, in our lives, as it does for Eileen London & Belinda Recio, who write, "Ritual is the journey; the sacred is the destination. Ritual binds us to the whole of creation, and it is in this bond that we can encounter the sacred.” (Sacred Rituals: Connecting with Spirit)

From these musings, we began to share the impact of life events that have passed unobserved and creative new ways that we might mark these milestones.

Stories like those participants told - stories of longing, connection, courage, and creativity - renew my spirit. I left filled with appreciation for what happens when we converse about real stuff... the ideas we generate from each other, the insights and possibilities we might not come to on our own... the tangible experience of being part of something greater than ourselves.

Click here for more information on bringing the conversation Ritual & Ceremony in Modern Life to your organization or community setting.

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Oregon Humanities' Conversation Project brings Oregonians together to talk—across differences, beliefs, and backgrounds—about important issues and ideas. Local nonprofits, community groups, or businesses apply to host a Conversation Project program on a topic relevant to their community. An Oregon Humanities facilitator - like yours truly - comes to that community to lead the conversation.

Please help spread the word to potential conversation hosts about this fantastic opportunity to foster meaningful conversation on topics from race, immigration, and international trade, to questions such as: What makes life meaningful? What does it means to be an Oregonian? How do we feel about the future?

Check out the wonderful offerings in this year's catalogue. Having met many of the other facilitators, I'd love to attend them all!

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The Solace of Gratitude

7/22/2016

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We sought the solace of Mt Jefferson, site of my very first backpacking trip 36 years ago, to celebrate Amber's birthday and mark her Dad's 81st, 4 months after his death

The radio, following the Republican National Convention, offered the usual recitation of the dismal: violence, division, cynicism... so many causes for despair.

Then, a lifeline: an interview titled Finding Solace in a Chaotic World. The Takeaway host John Hockenberry spoke with Dr. Suzan Johnson Cook, presidential advisor and former New York City Police chaplain, a first responder in 9/11 and mother to two black men in their early 20s.

From her years on the front lines, she offered this:

"The thing about solace: you take it without permission."

"Strengthen yourself for the struggle. You have to have those moments."

I've been seeking solace in wild places this summer, in time with the children in my life, and in the practice of gratitude.

To that end, I'm pleased to share a poem for our times, written in 1988 but especially apt for our current news cycles, presented recently by poetry-whisperer Danna Schmidt, a gifted Celebrant colleague from Washington State.

Thanks
by W.S. Merwin

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water thanking it
smiling by the windows looking out
in our directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks we are saying thank you
in the faces of the officials and the rich
and of all who will never change
we go on saying thank you thank you
with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you

with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

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Litany of Remembrance, Revived

7/19/2016

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Noah Goldstein, 21

Last month, my high school best friend got the call every parent dreads. His child, newly graduated from college and about to start his first professional theater job, killed by a hit-and-run driver.

I was able to offer a small consolation for the stricken family and friends who flew from around the country to Noah's memorial service. Over the years, I've found the call-and-response Litany of Remembrance a useful way, in a secular service, for participants to join their voices together. It both anticipates the many ways the presence of the deceased loved one will be felt, and serves as a collective pledge to keep a place for them as life goes on.

Written by Roland B. Gittelsohn, an American Rabbi who served as Jewish Marine Corps Chaplain during the WWII battle of Iwo Jima, the Litany is often used in group ceremonies, hence the standard refrain, We remember them. With my clients, I suggest the more direct, We remember you.

The most powerful part of the Litany often comes when I encourage participants to add scenarios of their own that are likely to provoke memories, following the standard recital of seasons and emotional states. Specifics range from the teary to the playful. For my friend Marcy, an uncompromising conservationist always guarding against the waste of water, after When we have joys to share, we remember you, we heard When we flush the toilet, we remember you.

Helping a family prepare to bury their 31 year-old son recently, also killed instantly in a road accident, I suggested the idea of a customized Litany. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles spent an hour or two crying, laughing, coming up with lines associated with precious stories, favorite attributes. The result used only the structure from Gittelsohn's original; every word of tribute represented a collective act of creativity by this devastated family.

I shared their example with my old friend Rich, and he and his family did the same for Noah. He sent it to me after the service with this note: "Please feel free to share it if it can help anyone else."

In the warmth of a Noah-like hug
we remember you

At the sight of teal colored hair
we remember you

in the crazy concoction of snacks, desserts, and beverages
we remember you

when seeing an action to right social injustice
we remember you

in the sight of a theater
we remember you

When seeing true passion in action
we remember you

When hearing Ferdinand being read aloud
we remember you

When we see a Ninja
we remember you

When we have joys we yearn to share
we remember you

Noah, so long as we live, you too shall live,
for you are a part of all who have known you.

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Marking Milestones: Ritual & Ceremony in Modern Life

The Solace of Gratitude

Litany of Remembrance, Revived

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Marking Milestones: Ritual & Ceremony in Modern Life

The Solace﻿ of Gratitude

Litany of Remembrance, Revived

Archives

Author

Categories

The Solace of Gratitude