When my father died, my step-mother sent away for his veteran's flag. His three years in the Air Force hadn't been a primary theme in his life; he hadn't seen combat. But she thought I should have it.
I displayed it, still folded in its tight, crisp triangle, when I created a memorial service for him six months after his death. And then it went into the basement. I'm afraid it didn't fare well there, between the soot from the old furnace chimney we demolished and the the misbehavior of our two cats. I felt ashamed of my neglect. While I never planned to fly the flag, I knew it deserved better.
What does one do with family keepsakes and heirlooms when one doesn't have children? If I'd had a son, I would have entrusted him with the care of the flag.
I don't have a son. But I do have a godson. A seven year-old godson who has a mild fascination with "Army guys" and uniforms and the like. A godson who, having been adopted, sometimes has questions about where and whether he belongs.
I displayed it, still folded in its tight, crisp triangle, when I created a memorial service for him six months after his death. And then it went into the basement. I'm afraid it didn't fare well there, between the soot from the old furnace chimney we demolished and the the misbehavior of our two cats. I felt ashamed of my neglect. While I never planned to fly the flag, I knew it deserved better.
What does one do with family keepsakes and heirlooms when one doesn't have children? If I'd had a son, I would have entrusted him with the care of the flag.
I don't have a son. But I do have a godson. A seven year-old godson who has a mild fascination with "Army guys" and uniforms and the like. A godson who, having been adopted, sometimes has questions about where and whether he belongs.
I checked with his moms to make sure they'd feel okay about me passing on this potent symbol to Bennett. I took the musty flag to the drycleaners. When I picked it up, folded over the hanger, I was astonished by its size. Of course - big enough to drape over a casket.
I enlisted the staff at Elmer's Flag & Banner - one of those Main Street establishments you pass by for years without ever venturing into - to fold it properly, and then I bought a protective plastic case.
I brought it to Bennett's house on Memorial Day, along with a jade jewelry set that my father had given my mother, which I planned to pass on to my goddaughter Ava. (Yes, I'm a little dismayed at the gender conformity displayed by my designation of these items, but then again, my spouse Amber is now in proud possession of my grandfather's pocket watch.)
I enlisted the staff at Elmer's Flag & Banner - one of those Main Street establishments you pass by for years without ever venturing into - to fold it properly, and then I bought a protective plastic case.
I brought it to Bennett's house on Memorial Day, along with a jade jewelry set that my father had given my mother, which I planned to pass on to my goddaughter Ava. (Yes, I'm a little dismayed at the gender conformity displayed by my designation of these items, but then again, my spouse Amber is now in proud possession of my grandfather's pocket watch.)
We gathered around the dining room table, Bennett and Ava and I, joined by their moms, their two grandmothers, and their one living grandfather. I began by asking, "Do you two know what family heirlooms are?"
Though they nodded "no," when I defined the word they had no trouble telling me why family heirlooms are important. We talked about how they help us know where we came from. How those who come before us help create the world that brings us into being. How remembering them helps us know who we are and where we belong.
I pulled the flag out of a bag and asked Bennett if he would do me the honor of being the keeper of my dad's flag, of helping me to remember my dad, to keep him a member of our living family even though he'd gone on to the spirit world. I shared a photo of my dad in uniform and talked a little about his time in the service. Ben took the flag with what felt like awed reverence.
I gave Ava the jewelry set, featuring a jade pendant engraved with Chinese characters, explaining that I wanted her to have it both as a keepsake from my parent's marriage and as a nod to her Chinese heritage. We talked a bit more about the rich treasure chest of family stories sitting around the table, embodied in their grandparents, and how family heirlooms could unlock those treasures.
Though they nodded "no," when I defined the word they had no trouble telling me why family heirlooms are important. We talked about how they help us know where we came from. How those who come before us help create the world that brings us into being. How remembering them helps us know who we are and where we belong.
I pulled the flag out of a bag and asked Bennett if he would do me the honor of being the keeper of my dad's flag, of helping me to remember my dad, to keep him a member of our living family even though he'd gone on to the spirit world. I shared a photo of my dad in uniform and talked a little about his time in the service. Ben took the flag with what felt like awed reverence.
I gave Ava the jewelry set, featuring a jade pendant engraved with Chinese characters, explaining that I wanted her to have it both as a keepsake from my parent's marriage and as a nod to her Chinese heritage. We talked a bit more about the rich treasure chest of family stories sitting around the table, embodied in their grandparents, and how family heirlooms could unlock those treasures.
me & my dad Lastly, for their joint stewardship I gave them one of the memorial stones created from some of my dad's ashes. When I'd first received them, fresh from the wood-fueled earth kiln in which they'd been fired, Ava and Ben had been fascinated and asked for one. "We'll see," I said at the time, explaining they were kind of like a tombstone, a special physical connection to someone no longer living, a way to remember.
Now, in front of their family shrine, I asked if they would still like to be the keepers of one of my dad's stones, if he could share space with their ancestors, if our ancestors could be together.
They accepted the call, and placed my dad's photo and his stone alongside the other sacred objects on their ancestor's shrine.
* * *
Happy Father's Day, Dad! For more on my journey with my father: The story of his memorial stones, how I found Forgiveness, the surprising end to his memorial ceremony, marking the 10-year anniversary of his death, the belated eulogy I wrote for him, and the raspberries that always remind me.
Now, in front of their family shrine, I asked if they would still like to be the keepers of one of my dad's stones, if he could share space with their ancestors, if our ancestors could be together.
They accepted the call, and placed my dad's photo and his stone alongside the other sacred objects on their ancestor's shrine.
* * *
Happy Father's Day, Dad! For more on my journey with my father: The story of his memorial stones, how I found Forgiveness, the surprising end to his memorial ceremony, marking the 10-year anniversary of his death, the belated eulogy I wrote for him, and the raspberries that always remind me.
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