Holly Pruett
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Stories
  • Services
  • About Holly
  • Life-Cycle Ceremonies
    • Overview
    • Beginning of Life
    • Coming of Age
    • Weddings & Unions
    • Mid-Life
    • End of Life
    • Organizations & Community

Birthday Blues

12/13/2014

3 Comments

 
PicturePhoto by Clayton Cotterell
"I'm feeling complicated," a Facebook friend posted recently. When it comes to my birthday, I know how she feels.

No matter how incredibly blessed I am in my life on so many levels, there are always some "It's my party, I can cry if I want to" moments when the calendar turns to 12/12. The echoes of the past pound loudly in my ears: my first birthday, spent in an isolation unit of an Army hospital in Germany; my 12th, the day of my parents' divorce; four years ago, the two trips to the ER with a ruptured disc in my neck.

This year the traumas of birthdays past were met by fears of the future. I had marked the entrance to my fifties two years ago with a ceremony in which I asked "for the courage and the grace to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of my own unfolding."

I am loving, for the most part, where the current is taking me. I just hate what it's doing to my skin.

In my mail box this last week arrived the latest issue of my college alumni magazine featuring a truly lovely profile of my current work, with an equally lovely full-page, nearly life-size photographic portrait - the first photo I've seen in which I look my age: neck wattled, eyelids droopy, skin coarse. (Believe me, the digital version glosses over what's revealed on the heavy matte page.)

I feel humiliated by my vanity; humbled by my unexpected age-phobia. I know how extremely fortunate I am to enjoy good health and vitality as so many around me suffer severe physical afflictions; to be in a loving partnership of 18 years while so many live lonely; to have such meaningful work in my life, and to be so recognized and appreciated for that work.

But "Facing the End" remains complicated. I may talk about it every day. But that doesn't mean I don't recoil to a deeply fearful place when I contemplate my mother's death, or Amber's, or Marcy's. Or look with confusion and aversion on the impact of time and gravity on my skin.

And so, on my birthday, I honored the complicated parts with some tears, in the sturdy embrace of my beloved. And I celebrated the many blessings of my life with a succession of sweet moments of connection, culminating with a raucous performance of an epic birthday play written, acted, and produced by Ava (11), Bennett (newly 8); Josie (7 for two more months), and Jules (nearly 3).

Later, as Amber and I sat by our fireplace for a wind-down round of Bananagrams, I realized the complications had washed away. I felt bathed in love and gratitude.

3 Comments
Doodle
12/14/2014 03:44:35 am

"...looking your age..." seen by you.....adorable, gorgeous, and all thing loving....see by us. It's not too complicated!! ;o)

Reply
Peggy link
12/15/2014 10:20:40 am

Holly, I know what you mean about photographs - but when I look at yours I see a strong, vibrant, complex woman who is living a full life with all its joys and sorrows. Lovely in all complexity and richness of life truly lived. Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and share your doubts.

Reply
Cathy Zheutlin link
1/4/2015 02:16:50 pm

Oh how I identify, and appreciate your ability to articulate what I feel.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    Picture

    Archives

    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    October 2012
    September 2012

    Author

    I want to know your story. And I want to help you tell it. If you’re eager to embrace the meaning in your life and to connect more deeply with others, you’ve found a kindred spirit in me.

    Categories

    All
    Adventures
    Anniversaries
    Beginning Of Life
    Ceremonies
    Coming Of Age
    Community
    House Rituals
    Memorials
    Pet Loss
    Publications
    Seasons
    Transitions
    Tributes
    Weddings

    RSS Feed


  • Holly Pruett Celebrant LLC – Creative Life Ceremonies from Cradle to Grave
  • Certified Life-Cycle Celebrant ® | Funeral & Wedding Officiant | Interfaith Minister
  • holly@hollypruettcelebrant.com | 503.348.0967 | Portland, Oregon, USA
  • Copyright © 2012 | Design by Red Door Designs
  • eMail
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google Plus
  • RSS Feed
Design by Weebly Templates and Weebly Themes
Storybrand Website Design by Red Door Designs