Thalia pronounces us legally wed! When Amber and I invited 100 friends and family to celebrate our relationship with us twelve years ago in White Salmon, we didn't call it a wedding. While we'd been together five years by then and wanted to pledge ourselves to each other publicly, the words "wedding" and "marriage" weren't important to us at the time. But we noticed that everyone else called it our wedding, especially our straight friends.
In the years since then, America has been having a conversation about why marriage matters, recognizing that it’s about love and commitment, and standing up before your family and friends to pledge yourselves to each other. We came to realize that we did marry that day in White Salmon, marriage license or no, that proclaiming our intentions in front of everyone changed our relationship, consecrated it in ways we couldn’t have anticipated.
And so when Judge McShane declared that we - along with all loving and committed couples in Oregon - could now add the legal icing on the cake, we didn’t want to dishonor what had come before by "getting married" again. With my mom and step-dad coming for a visit from the east coast we decided to hold a simple, family-only, vow renewal in our backyard.
In the years since then, America has been having a conversation about why marriage matters, recognizing that it’s about love and commitment, and standing up before your family and friends to pledge yourselves to each other. We came to realize that we did marry that day in White Salmon, marriage license or no, that proclaiming our intentions in front of everyone changed our relationship, consecrated it in ways we couldn’t have anticipated.
And so when Judge McShane declared that we - along with all loving and committed couples in Oregon - could now add the legal icing on the cake, we didn’t want to dishonor what had come before by "getting married" again. With my mom and step-dad coming for a visit from the east coast we decided to hold a simple, family-only, vow renewal in our backyard.
Josie, Ava holding Jules, Bennett Our White Salmon ceremony had been absolutely perfect. We paid homage to that magical day by reviving several elements: the vows we'd written; the beautiful altar quilt combining my fire with Amber's calm that Marcy had created; my lovely jewelry made by Maura; the commemorative needlepoint my mom had fashioned; foregoing catering for a potluck meal contributed by participants.
But there were several new elements that felt important to include this time. First and foremost, I wanted the four children in our lives, not yet born when we last stood up before our loved ones, to have their understanding of what makes a family shaped by witnessing our commitment. They indulged me by wearing flower crowns, and we indulged them by encouraging bubble blowing throughout our brief ceremony.
But there were several new elements that felt important to include this time. First and foremost, I wanted the four children in our lives, not yet born when we last stood up before our loved ones, to have their understanding of what makes a family shaped by witnessing our commitment. They indulged me by wearing flower crowns, and we indulged them by encouraging bubble blowing throughout our brief ceremony.
Our shero Thalia Zepatos Equally important to us was the opportunity to step across the historic threshold of legal matrimony with the woman who's done more than anyone in our personal community and our state to make this act possible: Thalia Zepatos. When Thalia and her husband Mike brought their communities together to celebrate their marriage, they committed themselves to the day that all of us could do the same. Thalia has not only worked for the freedom to marry full-time for 10 years, by leading the movement's message work, she’s helped countless Americans think about their gay and lesbian family members and neighbors differently. We asked Thalia to obtain the credentials to pronounce us legally married as an expression of immense gratitude and appreciation for the role she’s played in our lives for over 25 years now.
What a thrill it was to hear Thalia say the words she's worked so hard to win for us: "By the authority vested in me by the state of Oregon, I now pronounce you spoused for life!"
What a thrill it was to hear Thalia say the words she's worked so hard to win for us: "By the authority vested in me by the state of Oregon, I now pronounce you spoused for life!"
Finally, there were two traditional elements we had foregone in our White Salmon ceremony.
A wedding ring, for me out and about in the world, had always seemed like an invitation to the inevitable question about my husband. That particular symbol didn't feel important to us at the time. But now, with the world so rapidly changing, we wanted to make our new status as a legally married couple outwardly visible. Choosing to use rings handed down from my maternal grandparents (mine, given to my grandmother then to my mother then to me; Amber's, made of their wedding rings now joined together forever) honored their legacy of commitment and how much we've come to value family.
And on the more whimsical side, I had been enchanted by a Facebook post on the day Judge McShane ruled. My friend Kate Brassington had celebrated with her three young daughters by baking a mini wedding cake decorated with same-sex toppers created by her twins Shaelyn and Davia. She jokingly posted that they'd be happy to create custom toppers for others. I couldn't resist taking them up on it! The girls took their task very seriously, offering us two versions so we could mix and match gender presentations.
From the perfection of our White Salmon ceremony to the political theater of our first legal wedding at the Lucky Lab Brew Pub on International Women's Day in 2004 (later declared "Null & Void" when voters approved a constitutional ban)... to the exquisite sweetness of our June 1 vow renewal... I could say "third time's the charm." But the truth is, we have felt charmed throughout these 18 years together. We feel profoundly grateful and truly blessed.
A wedding ring, for me out and about in the world, had always seemed like an invitation to the inevitable question about my husband. That particular symbol didn't feel important to us at the time. But now, with the world so rapidly changing, we wanted to make our new status as a legally married couple outwardly visible. Choosing to use rings handed down from my maternal grandparents (mine, given to my grandmother then to my mother then to me; Amber's, made of their wedding rings now joined together forever) honored their legacy of commitment and how much we've come to value family.
And on the more whimsical side, I had been enchanted by a Facebook post on the day Judge McShane ruled. My friend Kate Brassington had celebrated with her three young daughters by baking a mini wedding cake decorated with same-sex toppers created by her twins Shaelyn and Davia. She jokingly posted that they'd be happy to create custom toppers for others. I couldn't resist taking them up on it! The girls took their task very seriously, offering us two versions so we could mix and match gender presentations.
From the perfection of our White Salmon ceremony to the political theater of our first legal wedding at the Lucky Lab Brew Pub on International Women's Day in 2004 (later declared "Null & Void" when voters approved a constitutional ban)... to the exquisite sweetness of our June 1 vow renewal... I could say "third time's the charm." But the truth is, we have felt charmed throughout these 18 years together. We feel profoundly grateful and truly blessed.
With this ring, I promise to take care of you,
To shower you with love and affection,
To trust and respect you,
To be worthy of your trust and respect,
To be your biggest fan, your companion and your partner –
And to do all of this with a spirit of hope, a heart that stays open, and as much laughter as possible.
To shower you with love and affection,
To trust and respect you,
To be worthy of your trust and respect,
To be your biggest fan, your companion and your partner –
And to do all of this with a spirit of hope, a heart that stays open, and as much laughter as possible.
Read more stories:
My Big (Null & Void) Gay Wedding: Our White Salmon and Lucky Lab ceremonies.
Yes, I'll Marry You: A whirlwind tour through my 26 years of activism for LGBT equality.
The Perfect Bookend to a Long Chapter: Kelly and Dolores sharing their role in history with their children.
Old Married Couple Legally Weds: Another couple navigates the question of how to cross the new legal threshold for the marriage they'd already celebrated.
My Big (Null & Void) Gay Wedding: Our White Salmon and Lucky Lab ceremonies.
Yes, I'll Marry You: A whirlwind tour through my 26 years of activism for LGBT equality.
The Perfect Bookend to a Long Chapter: Kelly and Dolores sharing their role in history with their children.
Old Married Couple Legally Weds: Another couple navigates the question of how to cross the new legal threshold for the marriage they'd already celebrated.
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