On May 19th I awaited a federal court ruling outside the Multnomah County Registrar's office with a line of gay and lesbian couples ready to obtain a marriage license if the judge, as we hoped, ended Oregon's ban. I was flooded with memories of those giddy days ten years earlier when marriage was briefly legal for us, and the opportunities I'd had to be on the front lines of history.
I wasn't the only one taking a trip down memory lane in those nervous hours before Judge McShane cleared the way, once and for all, for the freedom to marry in Oregon.
Kelly Burke and Dolores Doyle were among the very first couples wed in Multnomah County back in 2004. Together already for 16 years, they had a young son. They courageously stepped into the public eye to show the world what was at stake for their family, not only through media interviews surrounding those first marriages, but then later when the marriages were declared "null and void," in a lawsuit seeking to defend the validity of their union, in legislative hearings that helped establish domestic partnerships, and in countless other settings.
When Judge McShane announced that he would rule on May 19th, Kelly says, "I was ever so hopeful." But as she shared with friends and family in an email, "As you know, we have a long personal history in this battle having been among the first to sue the State of Oregon for the right to marry over a decade ago, so I was also nervous. I started getting phone calls from staff who had shepherded us through those times, inviting us to join them at campaign head quarters for the moment the ruling was announced. This sparked many questions from the kids."
I wasn't the only one taking a trip down memory lane in those nervous hours before Judge McShane cleared the way, once and for all, for the freedom to marry in Oregon.
Kelly Burke and Dolores Doyle were among the very first couples wed in Multnomah County back in 2004. Together already for 16 years, they had a young son. They courageously stepped into the public eye to show the world what was at stake for their family, not only through media interviews surrounding those first marriages, but then later when the marriages were declared "null and void," in a lawsuit seeking to defend the validity of their union, in legislative hearings that helped establish domestic partnerships, and in countless other settings.
When Judge McShane announced that he would rule on May 19th, Kelly says, "I was ever so hopeful." But as she shared with friends and family in an email, "As you know, we have a long personal history in this battle having been among the first to sue the State of Oregon for the right to marry over a decade ago, so I was also nervous. I started getting phone calls from staff who had shepherded us through those times, inviting us to join them at campaign head quarters for the moment the ruling was announced. This sparked many questions from the kids."
And so they spent the weekend engaged in a very personal home history lesson. Here's how Kelly described it:
"There is a large cardboard file box in the cabinet that I have not opened in many years. I spread the contents out across the playroom floor, so the kids could see all the newspaper articles, cards, notes from political leaders, press clippings, VHS and cassette tapes full of media interviews, copies of our testimonies & speeches, and photos of our family speaking out for equality. As we talked I realized they don't carry with them any of the ghosts of shame and fear nor the battle scars that I do from a lifetime seeking acceptance and basic rights. They have lived in a different world and carry no such scars. That to me is as beautiful as having the right to marry my love.
"Evan at one point said 'Wait! You and Mama AREN"T married? But we have wedding photos and you wear rings and our family is like other families!' Oh boy, did we have some explaining to do. She was also rather indignant that Avery was in all the early media photos, didn't matter that she hadn't been born yet. 'Not fair that he was born first and I missed it!' And that's when I knew that they needed to experience this part of their family history for themselves to better understand and have their own moment in it."
"There is a large cardboard file box in the cabinet that I have not opened in many years. I spread the contents out across the playroom floor, so the kids could see all the newspaper articles, cards, notes from political leaders, press clippings, VHS and cassette tapes full of media interviews, copies of our testimonies & speeches, and photos of our family speaking out for equality. As we talked I realized they don't carry with them any of the ghosts of shame and fear nor the battle scars that I do from a lifetime seeking acceptance and basic rights. They have lived in a different world and carry no such scars. That to me is as beautiful as having the right to marry my love.
"Evan at one point said 'Wait! You and Mama AREN"T married? But we have wedding photos and you wear rings and our family is like other families!' Oh boy, did we have some explaining to do. She was also rather indignant that Avery was in all the early media photos, didn't matter that she hadn't been born yet. 'Not fair that he was born first and I missed it!' And that's when I knew that they needed to experience this part of their family history for themselves to better understand and have their own moment in it."
Evan (left) and Avery So on that marvelous Monday, Kelly took her children out of school and down to the campaign office.
"For me it was like old home week, full of hugs and tears upon reconnecting with many people with whom I share a deep connection and emotional history. Avery blushed repeatedly as people marveled at how 'little Avery' was now as tall as I. Evan grinned wide as they recalled a charming petite baby Evan upon my lap while I testified to a State Senate committee and her perfectly timed 'Uh oh!' as the name of the rabidly anti-gay religious leader was called next.
As the rooms became full with more people and media, we awaited the news. Out of the nervous hum came a voice: 'It's a win!' and the room erupted in cheers, hugs, and joyful tears. The kids wrapped their arms around me, kissing and hugging me, big smiles on their faces whispering in my ears, 'We won, Mommy! We won!' Within moments, Multnomah County began issuing marriage licenses and we were off to the Melody Ballroom where officiants were waiting."
Kelly and Dolores did not, however, join the nearly 100 couples who obtained a marriage license that day. Kelly explains:
"We've had a big, gorgeous commitment ceremony with our family and friends on our tenth anniversary, a quickie wedding in front of cameras and reporters near our 16th and quietly registered as domestic partners in a county clerk's office after our 18th. This time requires a different sort of celebration and we're just beginning to explore what that might be. However, I am leery we may have unleashed a monster as the kids are bursting with wedding planner ideas/demands. For example, can our dog Henry be in or at the wedding? And Avery is heavily lobbying for a honeymoon in Hawaii. He doesn't seem realize those don't usually include children. This conversation was egged on as we spent the afternoon with friends and their children, cheering on newly married couples making their way down the marble steps of the hall as our children rushed towards them, arms outstretched offering flowers and congratulations."
Kelly called the day "the perfect bookend to a long chapter. Of all the things I've done, my children and the work I did for equality are the things I am most proud of in my life. And to still be here to see it happen, to thank the many, many people who have worked so tirelessly for this moment and to cheer on all the families stepping up to partake in their civil right to marriage, was incredible. I'm still trying to absorb it all."
* * *
My deep thanks to Kelly and Dolores for sharing their story, in this post and for the past 10 years. Stay tuned for stories in the coming weeks of other longtime couples (including yours truly) figuring out how to cross this latest legal threshold. And here's one you may have missed, from an "old married couple" in California who faced the same question: how to mark your now-legal marriage when you've already celebrated your wedding?
"For me it was like old home week, full of hugs and tears upon reconnecting with many people with whom I share a deep connection and emotional history. Avery blushed repeatedly as people marveled at how 'little Avery' was now as tall as I. Evan grinned wide as they recalled a charming petite baby Evan upon my lap while I testified to a State Senate committee and her perfectly timed 'Uh oh!' as the name of the rabidly anti-gay religious leader was called next.
As the rooms became full with more people and media, we awaited the news. Out of the nervous hum came a voice: 'It's a win!' and the room erupted in cheers, hugs, and joyful tears. The kids wrapped their arms around me, kissing and hugging me, big smiles on their faces whispering in my ears, 'We won, Mommy! We won!' Within moments, Multnomah County began issuing marriage licenses and we were off to the Melody Ballroom where officiants were waiting."
Kelly and Dolores did not, however, join the nearly 100 couples who obtained a marriage license that day. Kelly explains:
"We've had a big, gorgeous commitment ceremony with our family and friends on our tenth anniversary, a quickie wedding in front of cameras and reporters near our 16th and quietly registered as domestic partners in a county clerk's office after our 18th. This time requires a different sort of celebration and we're just beginning to explore what that might be. However, I am leery we may have unleashed a monster as the kids are bursting with wedding planner ideas/demands. For example, can our dog Henry be in or at the wedding? And Avery is heavily lobbying for a honeymoon in Hawaii. He doesn't seem realize those don't usually include children. This conversation was egged on as we spent the afternoon with friends and their children, cheering on newly married couples making their way down the marble steps of the hall as our children rushed towards them, arms outstretched offering flowers and congratulations."
Kelly called the day "the perfect bookend to a long chapter. Of all the things I've done, my children and the work I did for equality are the things I am most proud of in my life. And to still be here to see it happen, to thank the many, many people who have worked so tirelessly for this moment and to cheer on all the families stepping up to partake in their civil right to marriage, was incredible. I'm still trying to absorb it all."
* * *
My deep thanks to Kelly and Dolores for sharing their story, in this post and for the past 10 years. Stay tuned for stories in the coming weeks of other longtime couples (including yours truly) figuring out how to cross this latest legal threshold. And here's one you may have missed, from an "old married couple" in California who faced the same question: how to mark your now-legal marriage when you've already celebrated your wedding?
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