The role of godparent is rather out of fashion these days. Some carry the title but do little to bring it to life. Many – myself included – grow up without any adults designated to supplement what their parents can offer by way of supporting personal and spiritual development.

I said yes without hesitation when asked to be godmother to Ava, and later, to her brother Bennett. My relationship with them is one of the great joys of my life. And so I was deeply touched when I was contacted by a mom a few weeks ago who wanted a ceremony to honor the relationship between her four year-old son and his godparents.

Like so many without a formal Christian practice, they had not baptized their son at his birth; they felt no need to cleanse him of any sin. But they missed not having had a formal “Welcome to your family; we are your people” ritual. They’d looked on line for godparent ceremonies but none of them seemed quite right. When they found my website, they fell in love with the idea of a customized ceremony.

They were coming to Portland for a big vegan convention, the four-year-old, his parents, and his godparents, who lived on the other side of the country. We met at a park I suggested not far from the convention center, with a fabulous pre-schooler play area. Once the guest of honor had gotten some of his yayas out, we gathered under the historic cupola of the park’s bandstand.

I cast a circle of protection around the fivesome, using dry quinoa to honor their connection to the plant world. I lent my singing bowl to the boy to ring out greetings to all living beings and the ancestors who’d come before us. I said a few words about why we were there. And then I read a beautiful blessing by John O’Donohue, who always seems to have the right words for any occasion.

We then began our animal dance. Our four-year-old named his favorite animal – the elephant – and showed us the sound an elephant makes. We wished for him the memory of the elephant (who never forgets) and went round the circle greeting him with his elephant noise. Each adult then shared an animal whose attributes they wish for the boy, embodying each animal in turn: monkey, owl, bear, horse, and back to elephant. We had a great time taking these animals around the circle again and again.

We followed the animal blessings with a water blessing. Using rosewater, each adult anointed first the boy’s head, his forehead, heart, hands, and feet while sharing a blessing specific to those parts.

The boy and his godparents exchanged symbolic gifts and we closed our time together with one final animal dance before thanking the larger world of spirits and animals for giving us life and blessing us so richly.

Pregnant with her fourth child, Kate knew she didn't want a traditional, consumer-oriented baby shower. She'd experienced the support of a mama blessing ceremony with prior births. But this time, she knew it was about more than her impending labor. This was about the threshold the whole family was about to cross: her twin "big girls" and the toddler who would no longer be the baby. 

Kate told me she wanted the focus of her ceremony to be on "preparing and supporting me for the labor and birth, as well as preparing the girls/family for the changing roles and family environment. Not so much about the baby herself, but more about creating a special space in the family for her and honoring each family member for the role they'll play in that. Celebrating and affirming our strength: mine, as capable of labor and birth, and the family's, as capable of welcoming the baby and adapting to the changes she'll bring with grace and love."  

To create a ceremony of support for Kate and her girls, I reached out to friends she and I had made through the PDX Death Café (which is how we met - Kate was the very first person to contact me when I created our local Facebook page to launch the Café). 

One offered his spectacular wonderland of a back yard as our venue. One created customizable prayer flags to carry our blessings into the birthing room. One fashioned flowers into crowns for our guests of honor. And to bring the magic of song into our gathering, I asked the Threshold Choir to participate.

As we gathered on a glorious summer afternoon, guests greeted each other and decorated prayer flags. Everyone had been asked to bring a candle as an offering for the birthing room; we placed them in the palatial gazebo that awaited Kate and her daughters. 

We formed a circle of welcome where we affirmed our intentions for the ceremony and connected through the first Threshold song ~ Gather Us together (Spirit of Harmony). We then crowned each of our beautiful honorees with a wreath of flowers. Kate had hoped her daughters would feel appreciated, comfortable, and included. To me, they looked magnificently composed and radiant. Our singers held them in the moment with Light Flows (through the heart of my love to you).

It was now time for the family passage ritual. We formed two lines, facing each other, a human passageway leading into the sanctuary of the gazebo. As Kate and her girls stood at the entrance to the passageway, our singers led a Meditation on Breath (when I breathe in I breathe in Peace, when I breathe out I breathe out Love).

Then, one at a time, our guests of honor slowly walked through the passageway, symbolizing the threshold of their family change, as we whispered words of support, encouragement, and blessing. 

Once Kate and the girls were settled in the gazebo we gathered around them to present our gifts of light (the candles) and love (in the form of ceramic hearts). We shared John O’Donohue’s Blessing for a Mother-to-Be and the song May Only Love Surround You.

"Supported, relaxed, joyfully reverent" is how Kate had hoped to feel during the ceremony. Soon we would emerge from the cocoon of the gazebo to feast on delectable food (the big girls supplied the cupcakes), to enjoy the koi pond and the chickens and each others' company. but first, a closing song: Sim Shalom (grant peace, goodness and blessing).

Happy Chinese New Year, everybody! 

Every moment contains within it an ending and new beginning - it's no wonder humankind has come up with such a delightful array of ways to mark our cycles. 

Some consider the fall, with its eternal imprint of "back to school," their spiritual new year. For others, January 1 implies a fresh start and the resolve of renewed commitments. Many treat their birthday as that pivot point marking the completion of another trip around the sun. And for the billions of people on the planet who relate to the Chinese lunar calendar, yesterday kicked off a two-week long welcome to the Year of the Yang Wood Horse.

Chinese traditions hold a special place in my chosen family. The father of one of my best friends emigrated from China as a boy. Over the years I enjoyed many a large banquet over which he presided. He seemed to have no greater happiness in life than to see his extended family gathered at large round tables with lazy susan centerpieces delivering dish after heaping dish of delicacies to each guest's waiting soup spoon and chopsticks.

The best of all these feasts were the ones that welcomed his grandchildren into the world. Instead of a baby shower or christening, my friend opted to create a Red Egg & Ginger party to celebrate the births of her daughter and son (my godchildren). We followed tradition, waiting one month after each birth. (In times of high infant mortality, surviving to the one-month mark was cause for celebration; these days, it provides a sensible recuperative interval before entertaining.) Gong Gong (grandpa) flew in to oversee the ordering of the feast and other duties of a proud patriarch. Besides the food and toasts and the red-dyed eggs, symbolizing happiness and the renewal of life, these parties marked the bestowal of each child's Chinese name.

My godchildren's Gong Gong is now in the Spirit World, but he remains at the center of the household's comings and goings, memorialized on the ancestor's shrine in the family dining room. There, alongside a bottle of whiskey, sticks of incense, and red paper envelopes from auspicious occasions, the children place drawings and miniature bees wax sculptures that connect them to their Chinese ancestry.

Bonus Features!
Read what my favorite Western astrologer, Emily Trinkhaus, has to say about the transition from Snake to Horse. Here's an article Emily recommends on the specific meaning of the Yang Wood Horse. 

And below, my niece Josie embraces the coming of the Year of the Horse with her first riding lesson. 

"It was the best party the neighborhood has ever had!" That's the word on the street, according to my mother, after 50 local residents came together to celebrate two newborn babies.

The fathers, Rick and Marwan, have lived in their house for some time - but their demanding careers and many interests have meant they haven't often mingled with the rest of the tight-knit two-block neighborhood association. Their three-year home renovation had attracted lots of curiosity but few connections with the busy occupants.

When my mom learned that her immediate neighbors were expecting twins, she decided it was time for a change. The daughter of immigrants, my mom spent much of her life considering herself rootless. But since moving back to New Haven in retirement, she's thrown herself full-time into community building.

Knowing that the babies would spend most days in the care of nannies, my mom thought it would be good for the neighborhood to get engaged, extending the network of care and concern from house to house. After another neighbor wondered, 'When is the baby shower?" my mom proposed a neighborhood affair to the expectant fathers. They embraced the idea.

From the 30 or so households in the neighborhood association, about 50 people came, toting kids and presents. Marwan's mother, in town to help with the babies' homecoming after their prolonged stay in the neonatal ICU, treated everyone to her wonderful Lebanese cooking. There was cake and a short speech of gratitude from Rick, who introduced the surrogate who had given birth to their babies and has, along with her husband, become a part of their lives.

Marwan and Rick told me, "The excitement and joy that our neighbors had for us and our twins Zizi and Zayd were palpable. We are grateful to Jane and Norman for organizing this event!!"

It was a wonderful occasion for the neighborhood, my mom reports. New folks met old-timers, and everyone got to connect with Rick and Marwan and celebrate their entrance into parenthood.

As the saying goes, It Takes a... Neighborhood.

How do you support a young woman who is preparing to give birth to a baby she won’t raise as her own?

Friends came to me as they prepared to welcome a baby through an open adoption. They wanted to do something for the birth mother - their niece - to honor her pregnancy and support her impending childbirth while making space for the sorrow around giving up her child.

A contemporary baby shower with its silly games and consumer-fest of tiny outfits and parenting gear clearly wasn’t called for. What were the alternatives?

Blessing Way ceremonies were becoming popular but we were loathe to appropriate this sacred Navajo religious rite. So we started by trying to clarify our intentions: What were we trying to accomplish with this ceremony? Why was this important…to the birth mother, the adoptive mothers, the larger family? What kind of experience did we hope the birth mother would have?  What did she need to carry her through the physical and emotional labors ahead? How could we as her community express our support, our love, our pride in her, along with our concern?

We gathered ideas from the internet and other sources, but - most importantly - we talked to the birth mother about what appealed to her. Ultimately, we incorporated a variety of elements. 

We pampered her, hiring a henna tattoo artist to adorn her as we wove a garland for her hair from flowers each of us had brought, and created a necklace of beads, one from each of us. We listened to her: she spoke to each participant in turn about her hopes and her needs. We pledged our connection to her, symbolized by looping red strings around our wrists, tying us all together, then cutting the links at the end of the ceremony, leaving individual bracelets to be worn until her childbirth was finished. We each left with a candle to light when we learned that her labor had begun.

Perhaps the most significant element was the circle of women who attended. She chose her mother, her step-grandmother (the mother of one of the adoptive moms), the birthfather's mother, the two adoptive mothers, and two of their closest friends (who would be the baby's aunties).

Together, we aligned ourselves with women who throughout time and every culture have gathered to support their sisters and daughters through childbirth - and we made sure that Caroline's place in this lineage was fully honored.